Saturday, February 05, 2005
Oh my
on jan 29 2005 was the worse day of my life.i finally got the abortion everyone wanted. my mom,grandma an the father thought that it was best for me to do.not caring what will happen to me afterwards.i was so happy to find out i was pregnant cuz thats all i ever wanted was a child i can call my own.i know i'm only 20yrs old.im still young but i really believe i could have this baby.the father never wanted kids an made me feel bad.he went under depression the whole two months i was pregnant cuz he feared children.my mom at first was fine wit it till she told my grandma.my grandma got into my mother's head an force her to change her mind an make me get the abortion.my grandma did it cuz she was embarssed an worried about what people would of thought if i had this child an i wasnt married or even livin wit the guy.everyday i would hear my grandma's mouth.everyday i would hear "so did u make the appointment yet".the father wasnt mean to me but made me feel guilty an sorry for him.finally he gave me the money an i told my mom .so we made the appointment an all i did was cry cuz at this point i didnt even know if i still wanted it.i was goin out my mind.all i wanted was my life back an for people not to b mad at me anymore.so i broke down an got the abortion.i cryed when i see the protester out side the offices tellin me not to kill my baby,but to love it.that hurted cuz i did love my unborn child.i still do....my mom felt so guilty.she didnt even wanna wake me up that horrible morning.but my grandma made her.it hurt cuz i didnt have no one by myside to help me.all i had was a nightmare pregnancy.once i got the abortion i was fine.but the next day when i felt the awful pain for the first time i wanted to died right along wit my baby.everytime i felt the pain or seen the blood i felt more an more guilty an depressed.i think over an over in my head about how that baby had to die.it kills me inside to think i help kill my child cuz i was to weak to say no.its only been a week an i cant shake this depression off.it get more an more deep.i'm scared i will never come out of it.sometimes i feel the only way i'll feel better is the day i have my baby back.but i'm not plannin on havin another one for another two yrs.that was my plan in the start to have one when i was goin on 23 so i guess now ima stick to that plan.but it feel so far away.it really does..so who ever is readin this that are pregnant.please think it thru an make sure its what u really want.cuz everyone have a choice.no one can make it but u.
